What it's Like to Live with My Best Friend (After Living Alone)
Almost six months ago, I moved to a new apartment with my best friend, Crystal Enriquez. There wasn't a distinct reason we decided to become roommates. It just seemed, right. So as with most things, I trusted my intuition and went for it.
What's unique about our situation is that we're raising two sibling puppies together. Laurence is my dog, and Leeza is Crystal's dog. I suppose we could've said, "every man for himself" and raised them separately. But it felt harder to do it that way. So we joined forces and became a team.
As a result, we spend a lot of time together. If you've ever raised a puppy, you know how much work they are. And two puppies? Well, that's a two-person job.
I won't pretend like it's been a walk in the dog park, either. It's been really hard. So much so, that I've even asked myself: Why did you do this?
I've grieved my old life and yearned for the days when I lived alone. I even feared my content was suffering, that I was changing and losing my "edge." I hate to admit this, but I worried about what people (you) thought of me, and whether they perceived my new life as a regression instead of a progression.
My internal fears weren't the only thing on my mind. Adapting to a new lifestyle (that includes someone else) is incredibly difficult. Sometimes, it seems like Crystal and I speak different languages. And it's not hard to see why. For context, we don't have a lot in common. Crystal grew up in foster care and had to overcome many traumatic experiences that I didn’t.
I was raised by two parents who supported me in anything I wanted to do. The truth is, I will never truly know the pain she's endured. All I can do is listen and believe her when she tells me.
Because of our different backgrounds, we see the world differently. In the midst of many difficult talks, I've found myself astonished. To which I've said things like, "I'm so sorry you felt that way, I had no idea that's what you were thinking or that my words affected you like that."
Living with Crystal has shown me how sensitive I can be. While I do believe my sensitivity is a strength; being so deeply affected by the words and actions of others can make it difficult for me to stay present and composed. My goal is equanimity (which I've written about in a former newsletter). It’s much easier to reach this state when you live alone. Relationships, it seems, are the ultimate test.
If there's anything I've learned, it's never to assume. Your intuition may tell you, "the energy is off with this person," and you might be right. But to assume why, or think you have all the answers, is a recipe for disaster. The truth is, we know nothing unless we have the courage to communicate and ask the other person how they feel. And that's the work that nobody wants to do: have the hard conversations.
The ability to turn toward the other person instead of turning away, is one of the most difficult acts of love you can show someone. There have been times when I couldn't fathom staying in the conversation for a second longer. But if I stop, take a deep breath, and wait... something amazing happens. There's a spaciousness, an openness that occurs.
By staying committed to our friendship in those moments, we have been able to work through some extraordinarily difficult challenges. And frankly, as hard as it's been, I wouldn't trade it for anything. I'm proud of us. I'm proud of the work we've done to make this work.
And I know this is just the beginning of everything we've yet to learn.
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